It finally happened.
It happened. I finally had a bridal breakdown. I've always struggled with my weight and I had been trying to lose weight. But as of lately with my sister visiting and all the stress of the wedding there has been a lot of eating out and I just got overwhelmed with everything and stopped caring. "Tomorrow I'll start my diet" became my mantra after each meal. "Tomorrow", I would repeat the same thing. I saw some photos from the engagement shoot we did and while they were great, but my self image issues started rising with every photo I saw. I freaked out. I almost cancelled the photographer because why do I want to see pictures of me looking fat at my own wedding?
I was texting with Blaine and he kept trying to tell me to calm down, that I wasn't fat and that I should be focusing on the fact that these photos of our engagement and wedding should be treasured for their meaning. What a guy. But when I see a picture of myself, I can't help but be like "wow... that would look ok if I were about 6 months pregnant". Yeah. I'm 5'6" and 165 pounds. I AM overweight, it's a fact. My BMI is 26.2 while the healthy range is 18.5 - 24.9. So I'm really not THAT overweight, but I am. According to the CDC my healthy weight range is 116 - 157. First off, 116? If I were 116 pounds, I think I would look completely emaciate. But 157? That's only 8 pounds away from what I am right now.
I actually weighed myself yesterday at 167 (my highest ever was 170, so I'm creeping up there again). Before my sister came I was down to 162. My goal was to get to my high school weight of 155 by the wedding. Back in high school I thought I was fat. But looking at my prom picture, I wish I could have that body. I'd be happy to weigh that much. This morning, after eating relatively healthy yesterday, I was 165. I only have 10 days, but the first few pounds always drop off pretty quickly when I've been eating crappy. My new goal is to just eat healthy and hopefully get down under 160. I haven't been under 160 in years. To lose 5 pounds in 10 days probably isn't all that healthy, but at this point I'm not that worried about it. I'm not trying to lose 25 pounds in 10 days. I think 5 pounds is doable. Plus, at this point I feel like my self esteem is more unhealthy than losing weight a little too fast. Maybe that's just me rationalizing it.
But along with all of this, I'm trying to just see myself from others perspectives. Do I EVER see someone heavier than me and go "OMG, she's disgusting"? Never. Why would people look at me and think I'm fat? Why would they have an image of what weight they think I should be? Only I would logically think that way. I don't look at someone and be like "oh, she'd look better 10 pounds lighter". In all honesty, she might look better 10 pounds lighter, but why would that be a thought in MY mind? Why would I care? With that in mind, why should anyone care or judge the way I look?
I've calmed down a bit. I'm trying to go into the wedding with the perspective that this is how I look, Blaine loves me and this is our day. I don't want to be bogged down worrying that I'll hate the pictures. I have 10 days to fix my body to the best of my ability, but what I really need to work on is my state of mind.