No one really likes to talk about their fears. I pretty much fear everything, as I’ve mentioned before. My family knows (and jokes about) how we’re not really allowed to talk in depth about space, the ocean, etc. unless they want me to start getting anxious. When we ride along PCH with the ocean on one side and a mountain on the other all I can think “Dear god, what if there’s a tsunami right now?”. Let’s just call me completely ridiculous and move on.
Out of all the crazy things I fear there are two things that I am the most afraid of, death and failure. I’m pretty sure we’re all a little afraid of both. When I say I’m afraid of death, I’m less afraid of being dead (still scary though!) than I am scared of being without my family or my family members being alone when they die. So maybe my fear is more loneliness.
Although my mom is catholic and we used to attend church on occasion when I was little, I don’t consider myself to be a part of any religion. There are times, though, that I wish I did have some sort of faith just to be able to find some way to cope with the idea of dying. That maybe there’s something there after and it’ll all be ok because of whatever I believe in. I won’t be alone, my family members won’t be alone. But then I jump back to reality and know that religion is just not for me, personally.
When it comes to my fear of failure, it might seem odd when you consider my life. I never graduated college. I haven’t held a “real” job for more than a year. But the older I get, the more I look like an lazy, ambitious housewife the more I fear that I might fail at life. What if Kintage never makes it after thousands of hours of effort? What if after that I have no degree and nothing to fall back on? What if we don’t have kids and I hate myself later? What if we do have kids and I hate my life later?
But when it comes down to it, none of the things I’m afraid of are really genuine “fail at life” material. I try to be a decent person and I think that automatically erases any “fail at life” titles. But we all have our fears and those are just a couple of the long list of mine.